The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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