i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
