So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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