Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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