Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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