Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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