i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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