You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I enjoy the company of your penis
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
