I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Of course I have a pirate flag
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
