I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
