At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
