I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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