I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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