just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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