You just made me feel so damn special
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
