I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
