first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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