fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
