And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He kissed a someone with a penis
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
