Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
