chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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