dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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