i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
