life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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