new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
