Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
