Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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