you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
