Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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