Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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