Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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