I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
