I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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