we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
