I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
