Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
