just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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