Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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