I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
