I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
