I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
