about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
