Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
