I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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