i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
