My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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