She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
