you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
