So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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