I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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