I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
