I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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