I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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