nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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