i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
