It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
