my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
