My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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