I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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