Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
