he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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